


Launch

by ambiguously



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Coming of Age, F/M, Force Ghost Kanan Jarrus, Force Ghost(s), MayThe4th Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23990218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambiguously/pseuds/ambiguously
Summary: Having a ghostly playmate and friend at his side was exactly what Jacen needed as a lonely five year old. It's weird now that he's twenty.
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Comments: 16
Kudos: 88
Collections: May the 4th Be With You Star Wars Fanworks Exchange 2020





	Launch

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Irusu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irusu/gifts).



"So," the voice behind him asked casually. "You've decided where you're going?"

Jacen put the last shirt into his case and closed it. This was a conversation he'd been dreading. He took a moment to stare at the back wall of the cabin that had been his room for his entire life. "I have. I'm going to the flight school on Nimbus Prime."

"You liked that one. Good program."

"I think so."

"You're already a better pilot than the instructors are going to be."

He clenched his jaw, then relaxed and turned. "That's not the point. I might learn something new there. Always take the chance to learn something new whenever you can, or so I've been told."

His father's emotions weren't always easy to read. Jacen wasn't entirely sure Dad still had emotions, or if his reactions were echoes of things he used to feel. Echo or true feeling, Jacen recognized some amusement in Dad's eyes at hearing his own words quoted back to him. "When you put it that way, I guess you're right."

Jacen walked by him. He could have walked through as easily. Even at its most present, his father's spirit was no more substantial than the air. Some ghosts could interact with the physical world. Dad was satisfied with having worked out the way to inhabit a space here. It had been several days since Jacen had last felt his presence. Sometimes he wondered if Dad would fade back into the Force one day, and he'd only notice his absence too late.

He went towards the cockpit, changed his mind, and headed to the galley. He'd make some caf, get a mug for Mom, then go see her.

"You're avoiding her."

"You could haunt someone else for a while, you know. How's Ezra getting along? You should go check."

"He's fine. I looked in on him yesterday." Dad's voice is irritatingly calm. He should be upset. Ezra can't see or hear him most of the time. He should. Ezra had known him. He should have a familiar wise voice in his ear giving him direction. Jacen had never met his father in life, yet ever since he'd been little, he had been accompanied by a kind, loving presence who'd acted as a playmate, babysitter, and friend. He'd told Jacen stories after Mom tucked him in, and he'd followed at his side no matter how far they traveled or how scary the obstacles they faced. Dad's constant presence had been everything he'd needed when he'd been a lonely five year old. It was weird now that Jacen was twenty.

"I could go if you want," said Dad. "I don't have to spend my afterlife here. I could be haunting the pleasure pits on Otano if I wanted."

Jacen froze with his hands halfway to the caf machine. "We talked about this. Don't listen in on my holostreaming."

Dad raised his hands. "I hadn't meant to. I dropped in to say hello, and I left as soon as I could."

"Good!"

"I'm not saying how long it was until I could go away again. That second holo had some very solid production values."

He let out a frustrated noise. "Why are you like this?"

"There was an Imperial fuel depot. Big explosion. Your mom may have brought it up once or twice." His voice kept the same chipper tone. Dad didn't mind talking about his death. He made jokes about it. They weren't very funny, but none of his jokes were.

Jacen finished making the caf. Before Dad could remind him how Mom liked hers, he added the sweet powder and one drop of milk, sending a blue sheen over the top which he stirred in with a flick of his own powers. If he wanted to use the Force to save himself from having to wash an extra spoon later, that was his own business.

A silence deeper than sound fell between them. Jacen looked over, and saw a memory of an emotion flicker over his father's ethereal features. He didn't miss the food or drink. He missed bringing Mom a mug of her favorite blend and seeing her face light up in thanks.

Jacen was going to miss that, too. "I can't stay here forever. You know that."

"I do. You've paused your life enough."

Mom had said the same. He might even be quoting her. Jacen wasn't sure if he'd been listening in on that conversation. After all this time, he didn't know how the whole ghost thing worked, and there were only so many answers Dad could give him. He'd never shared how he'd learned the secret of manifesting himself back with them instead of fading into the Force forever. Questions piled up like dust in the corners, and no amount of sweeping brought the answers to light.

"But when I leave, so do you." And there was the issue out between them. Jacen was the only one who could see or hear his father. Ezra barely could, and he'd left home a long time ago. Mom didn't have the ability at all. She'd grown used to having Dad around, even in this shadowy form. They both said that he'd spent time not being able to see her, and it was only fair she do the same. They'd found room for each other inside this unexpected crack in the universe. When Jacen left later today, he took their one means of communication with him. He'd been accepted to schools for the past three years, and he'd deferred his acceptance every time. He couldn't defer any longer.

"You don't need to feel bad about going off to school."

"I don't."

"Right." Dad followed him through the corridor towards the cockpit. Jacen let himself inside, and moved aside as Chop tried to bump him.

"Brought you something," he said breezily, and waited for his mother to get a free hand.

"Thanks. How did you know I was thinking about getting a drink?" She gave him a smile, and if Jacen hadn't been watching, he wouldn't have noticed the strain around her eyes. Mom had said she was proud of him for being accepted to the program at the Nimbus Academy. She'd said it was past time for him to start living his own life, that this was his home and he'd always be welcome here, that she loved him no matter what. He believed she meant every word. But the strain was there, too.

He'd been trying to sort out the words for weeks. Ezra had left abruptly and famously. Even after his return, he had only stayed aboard long enough to get his bearings before setting out. Sabine had never really returned to the _Ghost_ after Jacen had been born, although she'd come to visit often enough when he'd been little. Zeb and Uncle Sasha had gone off to live with Zeb's people after the war. The only one who was going to stay forever was Chopper. Mom had always known that.

He wanted to tell her everything would be fine. Instead he sat beside her, sipping his own caf without tasting it, watching Dad lean against a panel he couldn't touch.

"Are you packed?" she asked.

He nodded.

"I could drop you off. It's not far."

"The transport is expecting me."

She nodded. She'd already known what his answer would be. "We'll rendezvous in about an hour."

"Great," he said, not feeling great. He was leaving home. This was supposed to be his first big step alone into the wider galaxy. He should be excited.

Mom set the course and turned to him. "You know you're not going to have any trouble making friends, right? Just walk up and introduce yourself."

"I know how to meet people, Mom. I'm not worried about making friends."

"You've contacted your roommates?"

"Yes. One's already there." He'd be rooming with two other new cadets, and they'd all been given one another's contact information, which Mom already knew because Jacen had been using the _Ghost_ 's comm system. She was in one of her moods where she didn't want to let on how she was feeling and instead buried herself in other concerns. "I'm going to be fine. You know that, right?"

Her expression froze before smoothing out. "Right," she said.

From behind him, Dad said, "You probably shouldn't have phrased it that way."

"I don't want to know," Jacen said. Mom looked at him until he tilted his head back towards Dad. He turned. "It's going to be a long time until we're all in the same room again. Anything you want to say now while you can?"

"Nothing you both don't already know."

Mom glanced aft, past where Dad stood. Jacen said, "He says there's nothing that we both don't already know."

"Your last day on the ship and now he decides to shut up?"

"Maybe he talked himself out. It's been twenty years. Maybe he reached the end of what he's got to say and he's going to start over."

Mom said, "As I recall, you're in for a lot of lullabies. That'll be hard to explain to your roommates."

"Not as hard as explaining there's a fourth person living with us. Well, when I say 'living'...."

Dad said, "Sure, make fun of the dead guy."

Mom's face had lost some of the stress lines she insisted weren't there, replaced by a fond smile, and if not all the fondness was for Jacen, that was to be expected. She might not hear Dad's bad jokes or gentle complaints, but she'd known him well enough to guess what he was saying even when Jacen didn't step in to translate.

"Contact me when you can. If Sabine can manage to send a transmission a few times per month, so can you."

"I'll do my best."

"You always do," she said with a quiet pride. "I'm going to miss you so much, and I'm so happy you're finally going off to school." She wasn't crying. Mom almost never cried, not where Jacen could see. Her eyes were brighter than usual, though.

Jacen turned to Chopper. "Are you going to miss me, too, buddy?"

He only response was a long series of beeps about how Chop intended to turn Jacen's cabin into a full-sized charging chamber complete with luxury oil bath. Then he rolled closer and bumped Jacen's leg, waiting for a pat on his chassis.

When their mugs were empty, Jacen took them back to the galley and rinsed them out. He wasn't going to leave a mess. Dad followed him back to the galley, watching him silently.

Jacen set the mugs to dry. "Are you sure there's nothing you want me to pass along? This is going to be it for a long time."

"I'm considering what I need to say."

"Consider faster. You may have eternity, but we're about to drop into sublight." Sure enough, the ship shifted with the familiar soft shimmer of motion from hyperspace back into real space. They were at the coordinates.

He went back to his cabin and collected his case and his travel knapsack. He'd spend another day in transit before arriving at school. The _Ghost_ could have gotten there faster, but this was part of moving into this new stage of his life. He took a last look around. The walls were splashed with color, some from Sabine's earlier decorations when he'd been little, some from his own brief experimentation with art before he'd accepted he didn't have any of her talent and covered over the spaces with posters. Most of his old toys were long gone, with only two favorite old soft toys left keeping watch on the top bunk. The things he needed were packed, and the things he couldn't pack would be with him always.

A dull sound went through the hull as the _Ghost_ docked with another ship.

"Ready?" Dad asked.

"Yeah." Mom joined them in the corridor, her face unreadable as she glanced into Jacen's empty room.

"Do you have everything?"

"Hope so," he said, and he grabbed her into a big hug. Her arms wrapped around him, squeezing him tightly. "I'll contact you as soon as I get there to let you know I made it okay."

"Be good. I love you."

"Love you, too," he said, and pulled away. He looked at his father. "Last chance. Did you figure out what you want to say?"

"Yes, I did. Be good. I love you. I'll never be far from you, I promise."

Jacen gave him a nod and was about to relay this to his mother when he stopped. "Wait. Was that to me?"

The afterlife seemed to be full of peaceful smiles, but the one he wore now was the winner of them all. "When you need me, I can be there within the space of a thought. But you don't need me for now." He looked around, until his gaze rested on Jacen's mother. "In the meantime I can haunt wherever I want. I like it here best."

Several emotions roiled inside him. He'd anticipated the oncoming loss once he left Mom and Chop behind, knowing homesickness would eat him a little every day. He'd expected that his father would go with him and stay at his side, always there as he'd been since Jacen was a child. He grasped at the first thing he could think of, the reason it made no sense for Dad to stay behind: "She can't hear you."

"It's all right. I like to listen."

Mom looked between Jacen and what she saw as an empty space in the air. "What's he saying? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. Um." He gave his father one last look, but Dad had found peace before Jacen had been born. "Dad says he's staying here."

Mom nodded to herself. "I thought he might."

Jacen sighed in frustration. "You can't see him or hear him. You'll never know if he's here."

"He's always here. I know that," said Mom. She reached for Jacen and kissed his cheek. "Go on. You'll miss your transport."

"You're sure about this?" He didn't know which one he was asking, but it didn't matter. They both nodded. He wouldn't be around to communicate between them. For the first time since he was a child, he wondered if they'd ever really needed him for that. "You two are so weird," he said, but he couldn't help his own amused smile as he turned away from his parents and boarded the other ship.

Time to start his life.


End file.
